More Emotional

So lately, I haven't had anything of any importance to say. Or at least, that's what I was telling myself. But then I remembered that this blog is also supposed to chronicle my emotional journey as well. So for fear of sounding whiny and annoying, I will actually talk about how I feel. *gasp*

Wanting so much to be different can be very gruelling. It makes me feel like I don't know what I want even for the little things.

"What do you want for dinner?"

And I don't even know. I literally cannot decide. It's frustrating. And then I don't want that. But how much not wanting can one take before they don't exist anymore? Maybe I'm looking into this too much, but it seems as if I'm going to disappear if I don't put my foot down. I just don't know what I want that foot to look like, hah. It's aggravating to say the least. I want things to be different, but I can't always articulate how I would like things to be. I want change, but I don't want to have to change. Change brings unknown just like I was talking about in the last post. I hate unknown.

A friend of mine wrote me a message telling me that the hardest thing for him was knowing that he wasn't a woman, but not being able to say 100% that he should be a man. It was so comforting to hear this. This was my biggest fear. The only thing that was making me doubt this.

"It could all be wrong," I would tell myself.

Which is true to a certain extent. However, I have done a lot of thinking on this topic lately and I'm getting more sure of myself. I'm able to say to certain people "I am a man" which is much more than I could before. I figure if I don't believe it, how can I expect someone else to, right? And I believe in that to a certain extent. I just hope that this keeps going and I don't break myself again. That's the worst, when I do it to myself. When I try and make myself not believe it.

I go to the doctor for hormones two weeks from today. That's exciting. I don't care how superficial it sounds, but I think hormones will make me much more secure with myself. Or maybe more insecure with my chest. But at least more secure with my voice. And my body hair of any kind. I wish that I could go past the material body and be happy with what's inside myself, but I cannot. I know now, or I'm pretty sure I know, that I will not be happy without these physical actions. So more to come on this once I've gone to the doctor. Until then, we'll just wait and see....