More Emotional

So lately, I haven't had anything of any importance to say. Or at least, that's what I was telling myself. But then I remembered that this blog is also supposed to chronicle my emotional journey as well. So for fear of sounding whiny and annoying, I will actually talk about how I feel. *gasp*

Wanting so much to be different can be very gruelling. It makes me feel like I don't know what I want even for the little things.

"What do you want for dinner?"

And I don't even know. I literally cannot decide. It's frustrating. And then I don't want that. But how much not wanting can one take before they don't exist anymore? Maybe I'm looking into this too much, but it seems as if I'm going to disappear if I don't put my foot down. I just don't know what I want that foot to look like, hah. It's aggravating to say the least. I want things to be different, but I can't always articulate how I would like things to be. I want change, but I don't want to have to change. Change brings unknown just like I was talking about in the last post. I hate unknown.

A friend of mine wrote me a message telling me that the hardest thing for him was knowing that he wasn't a woman, but not being able to say 100% that he should be a man. It was so comforting to hear this. This was my biggest fear. The only thing that was making me doubt this.

"It could all be wrong," I would tell myself.

Which is true to a certain extent. However, I have done a lot of thinking on this topic lately and I'm getting more sure of myself. I'm able to say to certain people "I am a man" which is much more than I could before. I figure if I don't believe it, how can I expect someone else to, right? And I believe in that to a certain extent. I just hope that this keeps going and I don't break myself again. That's the worst, when I do it to myself. When I try and make myself not believe it.

I go to the doctor for hormones two weeks from today. That's exciting. I don't care how superficial it sounds, but I think hormones will make me much more secure with myself. Or maybe more insecure with my chest. But at least more secure with my voice. And my body hair of any kind. I wish that I could go past the material body and be happy with what's inside myself, but I cannot. I know now, or I'm pretty sure I know, that I will not be happy without these physical actions. So more to come on this once I've gone to the doctor. Until then, we'll just wait and see....

Not Knowing

One of the things (for me personally) that is the hardest is the not knowing. This goes for every and any aspect of my life. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I wish I could see into the future. That would be cool. It would make every decision that much easier. I could state how I felt with conviction. Whatever....

Reminders

Sorry for not updating lately. A bunch of personal stuff (kind of unrelated to the transition) has been happening, so I haven't had much time for reflection.

Anyway, it's been a month of therapy! Only two more to go and then hormones start. Woohoo! I think that hormones will help me feel better about this whole thing. I think seeing hair growing on my face or having my voice change will make it more real, more believable. I just don't think I'll be able to call myself "content" or even "happy" until chest surgery. But that's just me personally. My breasts serve as a constant reminder that my body does not match my mind.

I thought that this would be a good time to go through the day in my head and list all the reminders of this discontinuity. Maybe that will help others who feel this understand they aren't alone in their constant recognition of this. And hopefully it will help those who don't quite understand how constant it is.

Ok, annnnnnd go:

- getting in the shower, seeing my body, having to actually touch my body to wash it
- going to the bathroom, sitting down
- getting dressed, putting on a bra
- putting on my messenger bag, the strap pushing hard against my breasts
- avoiding the school bathrooms at all costs, only creates awkwardness
- awkward moments of conversation where something gender specific is brought up
- being on the train (or any public place), feeling... outside of everything
- being afraid of strangers noticing my breasts, noticing femininity
- a man holding the door open for me to the men's room and me awkwardly walking into the women's
- getting ready for bed, having to take off my bra
- feeling my breasts touch me in any way, noticing them

This is just a fraction of the gender challenges I notice everyday. At least, with myself. I guess I just can't really begin to explain the feeling that is reinforced millions of times per day. And not to try and get pity out of anyone, but hard does not even begin to describe dealing with it. If you are in a position to provide support, please do. And if you are in a position to receive support, don't be afraid to ask because you deserve it. I am hoping that hormones will help and that chest surgery will practically fix all of these. We'll have to wait and see...