Reminders

Sorry for not updating lately. A bunch of personal stuff (kind of unrelated to the transition) has been happening, so I haven't had much time for reflection.

Anyway, it's been a month of therapy! Only two more to go and then hormones start. Woohoo! I think that hormones will help me feel better about this whole thing. I think seeing hair growing on my face or having my voice change will make it more real, more believable. I just don't think I'll be able to call myself "content" or even "happy" until chest surgery. But that's just me personally. My breasts serve as a constant reminder that my body does not match my mind.

I thought that this would be a good time to go through the day in my head and list all the reminders of this discontinuity. Maybe that will help others who feel this understand they aren't alone in their constant recognition of this. And hopefully it will help those who don't quite understand how constant it is.

Ok, annnnnnd go:

- getting in the shower, seeing my body, having to actually touch my body to wash it
- going to the bathroom, sitting down
- getting dressed, putting on a bra
- putting on my messenger bag, the strap pushing hard against my breasts
- avoiding the school bathrooms at all costs, only creates awkwardness
- awkward moments of conversation where something gender specific is brought up
- being on the train (or any public place), feeling... outside of everything
- being afraid of strangers noticing my breasts, noticing femininity
- a man holding the door open for me to the men's room and me awkwardly walking into the women's
- getting ready for bed, having to take off my bra
- feeling my breasts touch me in any way, noticing them

This is just a fraction of the gender challenges I notice everyday. At least, with myself. I guess I just can't really begin to explain the feeling that is reinforced millions of times per day. And not to try and get pity out of anyone, but hard does not even begin to describe dealing with it. If you are in a position to provide support, please do. And if you are in a position to receive support, don't be afraid to ask because you deserve it. I am hoping that hormones will help and that chest surgery will practically fix all of these. We'll have to wait and see...