Next Steps

So, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote in this, which might be obvious since it's been two years. What, you might ask?

- I graduated from my MPH program.

- I got a job as a research assistant on a longitudinal research study about 16-20 year old men who have sex with men in October of 2009. I've worked under that same doctor ever since and love it.

- I'm also going to start working at a low threshold shelter for young people, which I'm super excited about.

- I'm applying to medical school in June 2012.

Phew, guess that's the very, very, very short version. I'm back to writing a personal statement for medical school, which is tough. My experiences with transitioning have shaped my view so extremely that I find it difficult to not discuss it when writing about why I want to go into medicine. However, I am applying to some rural health programs because my ideal job would be part-time at a research university/hospital/clinic and part-time travel to neighboring counties to see patients. We'll see how it goes, but a lot of the things I've discussed before in this blog are coming to my mind yet again. I'd love to hear from anyone with any insight into this. Alright, that's it for me! Hope everyone is doing well.

Public Health

So as a follow-up to all the things left up in the air in my last post:

- I graduated! My sister came in to visit for the ceremony. It was the first time I've really been proud of something. Soon after, I got back into self deprecating mode, but that's ok.

- I got into DePaul's MPH program and am currently attending. I love it, and I will talk much, much more about it.

- I wasn't really able to catch up on all those things I said I was going to because I spent the entire summer working as a research assistant in an Immunology clinic in Rhode Island. It was a lot of fun, great experience, but really kept me from doing... anything I had planned.

- I did get to take trips, but not the ones I had expected. I was lucky enough to visit Cape Cod, East Hampton, Block Island.... It was fun, but I was missing my better half (Margaret)!

Alright, so now for the new stuff. I LOVE my public health classes. I feel much more at home than in any of my previous classes. It's like health care meets psychology meets science meets AHHH! Hehe as you can tell, I'm enjoying it. I am very much looking forward to all of my other classes in the program. Another thing that is reassuring is that all of the second years seem very at ease with all the professors and staff in the department. That's telling because I can't say the same about all the other departments I've been involved with. It's a really great environment and everyone seems really eager to help out. Lovely.

In other news, I have a job now at a retirement facility. I have not started yet and to be quite honest, I am fairly nervous about it. I just hope that I find that I am worrying for nothing and I am cut out for it, but only time will tell! Also, part of the worry is that I'm working the overnight shift. Eep! Here's to hoping!

Ok, that's all for now, but hopefully I will update this more than once or twice a year. Thanks to anyone who reads for bearing with me. :)

Update

Geez, I am really bad at keeping this up!

So, unfortunately, I did not get into any of the schools at which I had applied. I anticipate it was a variety of reasons, considering none of my other friends got accepted either. But that being said, there is a possibility that discussing my transition in my personal statement played a role in this decision. I haven't looked into it enough to be able to really discuss this, nor do I think it would be entirely valuable for me to do that. The fact of the matter is I didn't get in, so what now?

I applied to the Masters of Public Health (MPH) program at DePaul, which I should hear back about in a few weeks. This would be fantastic if I did get in because I would be able to learn more about health care administration, which is knowledge I am definitely lacking. Also, I may be able to accomplish some much needed research along trans health lines. Not sure, but excited none the less.

Other than that, I'm excited about graduation. 30 more days! I can't wait to catch up on some reading I haven't been able to do, movies I haven't had time to watch and friends I haven't been able to keep up with in the way I would have liked. This should be a fun summer. I'll be working, but I doubt too much. I'm hoping to take a few trips. Maybe get a dog? Not sure yet.

Another exciting thing happening currently is SAGA bringing Scott Turner Schofield, who is an awesome person and performer. Definitely looking forward to the performance tomorrow evening. We are happy to have him and all of the other guests who have made the events this week (and month in general) special. Thanks so much!

Looking Back to Go Forward

So it's been two years now since my first shot. Wow, that seems like a long time. The emotions I had from that time are still there, but a little bit less fresh. With more time to sit and let them simmer, I have come to the conclusion that I was not being irrational in what I wanted and the timeline I was asking for, but I do have a better appreciation for "their" side, whoever "they" might be.

That being said, applying to medical school right now has made me think a lot about what kind of a doctor I want to be, what kind of rules I will be willing to break or strongly adhere to. I see myself being a doctor who would have handled my situation a little differently, but I have no crystal ball. My only hope for myself is that over time I do not lose the sense of the emotions I felt during my process, so that sense may continue to drive me forward.

Sorry for the long delay between posts. Life has become very busy. Oh, for anyone in the Chicago area, I (along with a good friend, Mason) have started a gender-variant student group at DePaul University called SAGA (Students for the Advancement of Gender Awareness). Check out the website here. Most importantly, you do not need to be a student at DePaul to attend meetings. Alright, cool. Hope all is well.

More than just "born in the wrong body"

"Bodies were perceived as time bombs, and a smothering association of sex with death, intimacy with danger, and health with isolation and survivor's guilt took over their lives." (The Other Side of Silence - Men's Lives and Gay Identities: A Twentieth Century History, John Loughery)

Although this quote is in reference to the AIDS panic of the 1980s, I feel like it speaks to the daily internal struggles that many trans people fight against every single day.

Night Life

I don't have the time right now, but eventually I will come back to this post and leave a detailed description of my feelings when I go by the corner of Belmont and Clark late at night. If you're not from Chicago and don't understand how this relates, stay tuned.

*tear*

Ok, this is a silly post.

So lately, a lot of people I know have been like starting testosterone or therapy or something. It's got me all nostalgic! I remember when I was freaking out about my first shot. Or when I was nervous about chest surgery. Or when I was reading everything I could on transitioning. It's cute! Hah, I say this with complete respect and don't mean to demean anyone. Honestly. It's very encouraging to see more and more people stepping into the ring with you, regardless of where they go after they win their fight.

It is weird though (more for others than for me I'd assume) that I'm like 18 and the one people ask questions, hah. It's odd. And yet, although it may be like weird or annoying for other people, I've got to say it gives me a lot of... gratitude. Toward the people I had in my life who made it possible. You know, I believe it is more about the people surrounding you in a situation like this than you. Because even though you may really want it and really feel ready, this process relies on a lot of other people's approval, whether you agree with that or not.

Ok, now that I'm totally off track! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I appreciate everyone who is deciding that they need to do this to better their lives. Because I know it's not easy. And I also know that whatever community we form, it's not always an accepting one. So I wanted to take a second and thank every future person who will come to identify in some way with transitioning or being trans or whatever it's called that week, hah.

Hm, guess it wasn't so silly. Well, I never said I don't lie!

Big News

So, I'm finally turning eighteen. This is a big deal for me. Or at least, it should be, hah. I've already done all of the things I was told I needed to be eighteen to do (my hormones, my surgery), but there are still some things. My tattoos are coming up, which is exciting. I can go to strip clubs now, for all of you guys requesting that, haha. You know, the usual.

But honestly, all joking aside, I am excited to finally be considered an adult in this country. And yet, I can't help but get a strengthened sense of commitment to the cause of youth. Like that now that I am leaving this community, I need to not forget what I have gone through, not stop fighting for their voices to be heard.

Eh, or I'm just full of shit! Haha, just kidding. Anyway, hope everyone else is lucky enough to be celebrating their next birthday.

Update

Alright, so it's been quite a while. And while I haven't been doing any exciting new physical changes, I have been going to some cool events and stuff. So first off, Spectrum (one of DePaul's LGBT... groups) had a trans night of sorts and I spoke along with three other people. It was strictly a Q and A type of thing, so I didn't have to have anything prepared. So that was nice, got a lot of good questions and had a variety of answers on the "panel" so that was good. Then a few weeks after that, there was a LGBT... conference hosted by DePaul and Margaret and I spoke at that. We had stuff prepared for that, but people asked questions also. Both things were pretty cool. It's still kind of weird to talk about my life like it's something important. Or even worth listening to. Everyone seemed interested though, so I guess it is!

The one thing it does make me excited about is my clinic dreams. For those that don't know, I am hoping to one day have a clinic that is a one stop shop of sorts. I want to have four sections, one for therapy, one for law, one for medicine and one for surgery. The therapy part would obviously have therapists that could see patients and write letters or whatever was necessary. The law part would help not only with the legal matters of the clinic, but also help people with name changes and things like that. The medicine part would be a place where people could come and get good healthcare in a warm, accepting environment. Also, this would be where hormones were prescribed, blood tests done, etc. The surgery part would have a team of surgeons that could perform a wide range of surgeries for both FTM and MTF. The final aspect of this clinic is the research aspect. I feel research is a part that is lacking in the trans community, so I would like a place that is dedicated to changing that. Now, all of this sounds great, but here's the catch-- I want it all to be free. Hopefully I will win the lottery or somehow get a rapid influx of millions of dollars to put toward it. It's ambitious-- it's crazy. But if it happened, it would be amazing. It's thinking about this that keeps me a) involved in the community and b) studying chemistry and all this other boring stuff in school. I know that one day I will be able to be a doctor that can make a difference, even if it's not by doing something on this big of a scale. So we'll see, but all of this speaking at events is making me want it more than ever.

Hold On

This is a place holder for a much longer entry about... being ready, seriousness, romanticism, grass being greener, and not, thinking, but not knowing, and finally... needing to know. Or at least being really good at pretending.