Good and Bad

So, one thing I think I have to stress about this whole thing that I think I either play down or just forget about is the fact that there are good and bad days. There are days that I feel great about being a man and I feel like it's really right. Really what I want to do.

But on the days that I don't feel those things... I'm not very nice. I'm not very personable. I get very insecure. Which causes me to be quite mean and angry all day. I just don't know what to do with myself when I get like that. It feels like I can't do anything, like nothing will ever be able to make me happy again. It feels like I'm the stupidest person on the planet, man or woman.

But then, I stop and think about it and I tell myself that all that's going to change after I complete my change. And I'm hoping that I'm very very right, but the more it keeps happening, the more nervous I get. I'm nervous that nothing will change, that I won't be as happy as I'm imagining, that I might be depressed for completely different reasons and that won't solve anything. I know, this might sound a little... Neurotic? Obnoxious? But I can't help it. I don't understand how to control it. And I don't think that talking about it is what's going to help, which is very unlike me. I just think that this is something that is going to play itself out in time. We'll see. Hopefully Margaret doesn't get too annoyed with it and break up with me.

That being said, the good days are great and I have a fabulous time. I don't know. I think that wanting so many things to be so different is bad for one person. I'm moving, I'm starting college, I'm not going to be living with my parents anymore, I'm transitioning, I'm graduating (well, hopefully, heh). It's just a lot to handle without the whole transitioning aspect, but with that it's too much for me on some days.

I guess the point of this entry is to let people know that you're allowed to be in a bad mood. And it's not a cop-out to blame it on transitioning. At least, I don't think it is. I think that this is a huge life change that would take a lot out of anyone. Just letting people know that ups and downs are completely normal. I hope, hah.

Adding to the List

I spoke before about reminders. The worst: my period. I was talking to Margaret the other day and realized that this is worth writing about. I hate my period more than anything. It embarrasses me to no end. I don't want to have to do more work in the bathroom than necessary. Going to the bathroom by sitting on the seat is bad enough! But then, to be bleeding on top of that. Ugh.

I told Margaret that I would rather have my breasts and no period than the other way around, if I had to pick. Hopefully, neither will be an option and I will take full advantage of it.

I can't really express how deeply the embarrassment goes surrounding this event, but it's bad. I will be very glad when it stops. That should be sooner rather than later now. Exciting...

I think the waiting is what breaks you. Waiting for your life to change in who knows what type of way, good or bad. Waiting for something so huge. It's hard. I'm also a horribly impatient person. Oh well, heh. I hope it's not this nervewracking for others with a little more patience!