So, one thing I think I have to stress about this whole thing that I think I either play down or just forget about is the fact that there are good and bad days. There are days that I feel great about being a man and I feel like it's really right. Really what I want to do.
But on the days that I don't feel those things... I'm not very nice. I'm not very personable. I get very insecure. Which causes me to be quite mean and angry all day. I just don't know what to do with myself when I get like that. It feels like I can't do anything, like nothing will ever be able to make me happy again. It feels like I'm the stupidest person on the planet, man or woman.
But then, I stop and think about it and I tell myself that all that's going to change after I complete my change. And I'm hoping that I'm very very right, but the more it keeps happening, the more nervous I get. I'm nervous that nothing will change, that I won't be as happy as I'm imagining, that I might be depressed for completely different reasons and that won't solve anything. I know, this might sound a little... Neurotic? Obnoxious? But I can't help it. I don't understand how to control it. And I don't think that talking about it is what's going to help, which is very unlike me. I just think that this is something that is going to play itself out in time. We'll see. Hopefully Margaret doesn't get too annoyed with it and break up with me.
That being said, the good days are great and I have a fabulous time. I don't know. I think that wanting so many things to be so different is bad for one person. I'm moving, I'm starting college, I'm not going to be living with my parents anymore, I'm transitioning, I'm graduating (well, hopefully, heh). It's just a lot to handle without the whole transitioning aspect, but with that it's too much for me on some days.
I guess the point of this entry is to let people know that you're allowed to be in a bad mood. And it's not a cop-out to blame it on transitioning. At least, I don't think it is. I think that this is a huge life change that would take a lot out of anyone. Just letting people know that ups and downs are completely normal. I hope, hah.
2 comments:
In my experience, transition is like a lot of life in that there are ups and downs and twists and turns. Looking back, I remember being very freaked out, very angry a lot of the time, and really not very fun to be around sometimes. The good news is the bad days are impermanent. The bad news is that the good days are too.
One of the things I wish I'd done differently would have been my outlook on things...I wish that I'd focused more on being authentic than on being something/someone I "should" be. I thought that in order to be a man I had to have certain behaviors, certain desires, certain personality traits, but really that's a crock.
Sometimes in transition people have these insulated periods where the transition process (in thought or deed) seems so huge that it swallows up a lot of your life and it's the lens through which see the world. In my experience, this passes and it becomes something that is as important as other things, rather than some huge thing that takes your life over surpassing everything else.
To even consider transition, you have to be brave, so I know you're courageous. The sense I get is that you're doing the best you can, hanging in there, making educated decisions, and trying to be a decent person to those around you while everything feels wobbly. Let me know if there's anything I can do to support you or otherwise help out.
xri
Happy T Day!
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