trans·pose: v. trans·posed, trans·pos·ing, trans·pos·es

Next Steps

2011-09-30T09:22:00.001-05:00

So, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote in this, which might be obvious since it's been two years. What, you might ask?

- I graduated from my MPH program.

- I got a job as a research assistant on a longitudinal research study about 16-20 year old men who have sex with men in October of 2009. I've worked under that same doctor ever since and love it.

- I'm also going to start working at a low threshold shelter for young people, which I'm super excited about.

- I'm applying to medical school in June 2012.

Phew, guess that's the very, very, very short version. I'm back to writing a personal statement for medical school, which is tough. My experiences with transitioning have shaped my view so extremely that I find it difficult to not discuss it when writing about why I want to go into medicine. However, I am applying to some rural health programs because my ideal job would be part-time at a research university/hospital/clinic and part-time travel to neighboring counties to see patients. We'll see how it goes, but a lot of the things I've discussed before in this blog are coming to my mind yet again. I'd love to hear from anyone with any insight into this. Alright, that's it for me! Hope everyone is doing well.

Public Health

2009-09-22T20:31:00.002-05:00

So as a follow-up to all the things left up in the air in my last post:

- I graduated! My sister came in to visit for the ceremony. It was the first time I've really been proud of something. Soon after, I got back into self deprecating mode, but that's ok.

- I got into DePaul's MPH program and am currently attending. I love it, and I will talk much, much more about it.

- I wasn't really able to catch up on all those things I said I was going to because I spent the entire summer working as a research assistant in an Immunology clinic in Rhode Island. It was a lot of fun, great experience, but really kept me from doing... anything I had planned.

- I did get to take trips, but not the ones I had expected. I was lucky enough to visit Cape Cod, East Hampton, Block Island.... It was fun, but I was missing my better half (Margaret)!

Alright, so now for the new stuff. I LOVE my public health classes. I feel much more at home than in any of my previous classes. It's like health care meets psychology meets science meets AHHH! Hehe as you can tell, I'm enjoying it. I am very much looking forward to all of my other classes in the program. Another thing that is reassuring is that all of the second years seem very at ease with all the professors and staff in the department. That's telling because I can't say the same about all the other departments I've been involved with. It's a really great environment and everyone seems really eager to help out. Lovely.

In other news, I have a job now at a retirement facility. I have not started yet and to be quite honest, I am fairly nervous about it. I just hope that I find that I am worrying for nothing and I am cut out for it, but only time will tell! Also, part of the worry is that I'm working the overnight shift. Eep! Here's to hoping!

Ok, that's all for now, but hopefully I will update this more than once or twice a year. Thanks to anyone who reads for bearing with me. :)

Update

2009-05-13T20:29:00.003-05:00

Geez, I am really bad at keeping this up!

So, unfortunately, I did not get into any of the schools at which I had applied. I anticipate it was a variety of reasons, considering none of my other friends got accepted either. But that being said, there is a possibility that discussing my transition in my personal statement played a role in this decision. I haven't looked into it enough to be able to really discuss this, nor do I think it would be entirely valuable for me to do that. The fact of the matter is I didn't get in, so what now?

I applied to the Masters of Public Health (MPH) program at DePaul, which I should hear back about in a few weeks. This would be fantastic if I did get in because I would be able to learn more about health care administration, which is knowledge I am definitely lacking. Also, I may be able to accomplish some much needed research along trans health lines. Not sure, but excited none the less.

Other than that, I'm excited about graduation. 30 more days! I can't wait to catch up on some reading I haven't been able to do, movies I haven't had time to watch and friends I haven't been able to keep up with in the way I would have liked. This should be a fun summer. I'll be working, but I doubt too much. I'm hoping to take a few trips. Maybe get a dog? Not sure yet.

Another exciting thing happening currently is SAGA bringing Scott Turner Schofield, who is an awesome person and performer. Definitely looking forward to the performance tomorrow evening. We are happy to have him and all of the other guests who have made the events this week (and month in general) special. Thanks so much!

Looking Back to Go Forward

2008-07-25T14:39:00.005-05:00

So it's been two years now since my first shot. Wow, that seems like a long time. The emotions I had from that time are still there, but a little bit less fresh. With more time to sit and let them simmer, I have come to the conclusion that I was not being irrational in what I wanted and the timeline I was asking for, but I do have a better appreciation for "their" side, whoever "they" might be.

That being said, applying to medical school right now has made me think a lot about what kind of a doctor I want to be, what kind of rules I will be willing to break or strongly adhere to. I see myself being a doctor who would have handled my situation a little differently, but I have no crystal ball. My only hope for myself is that over time I do not lose the sense of the emotions I felt during my process, so that sense may continue to drive me forward.

Sorry for the long delay between posts. Life has become very busy. Oh, for anyone in the Chicago area, I (along with a good friend, Mason) have started a gender-variant student group at DePaul University called SAGA (Students for the Advancement of Gender Awareness). Check out the website here. Most importantly, you do not need to be a student at DePaul to attend meetings. Alright, cool. Hope all is well.

More than just "born in the wrong body"

2008-02-26T13:55:00.001-06:00

"Bodies were perceived as time bombs, and a smothering association of sex with death, intimacy with danger, and health with isolation and survivor's guilt took over their lives." (The Other Side of Silence - Men's Lives and Gay Identities: A Twentieth Century History, John Loughery)

Although this quote is in reference to the AIDS panic of the 1980s, I feel like it speaks to the daily internal struggles that many trans people fight against every single day.

Night Life

2007-10-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

I don't have the time right now, but eventually I will come back to this post and leave a detailed description of my feelings when I go by the corner of Belmont and Clark late at night. If you're not from Chicago and don't understand how this relates, stay tuned.

tear

2007-06-13T01:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is a silly post.

So lately, a lot of people I know have been like starting testosterone or therapy or something. It's got me all nostalgic! I remember when I was freaking out about my first shot. Or when I was nervous about chest surgery. Or when I was reading everything I could on transitioning. It's cute! Hah, I say this with complete respect and don't mean to demean anyone. Honestly. It's very encouraging to see more and more people stepping into the ring with you, regardless of where they go after they win their fight.

It is weird though (more for others than for me I'd assume) that I'm like 18 and the one people ask questions, hah. It's odd. And yet, although it may be like weird or annoying for other people, I've got to say it gives me a lot of... gratitude. Toward the people I had in my life who made it possible. You know, I believe it is more about the people surrounding you in a situation like this than you. Because even though you may really want it and really feel ready, this process relies on a lot of other people's approval, whether you agree with that or not.

Ok, now that I'm totally off track! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I appreciate everyone who is deciding that they need to do this to better their lives. Because I know it's not easy. And I also know that whatever community we form, it's not always an accepting one. So I wanted to take a second and thank every future person who will come to identify in some way with transitioning or being trans or whatever it's called that week, hah.

Hm, guess it wasn't so silly. Well, I never said I don't lie!

Big News

2007-05-21T18:33:00.000-05:00

So, I'm finally turning eighteen. This is a big deal for me. Or at least, it should be, hah. I've already done all of the things I was told I needed to be eighteen to do (my hormones, my surgery), but there are still some things. My tattoos are coming up, which is exciting. I can go to strip clubs now, for all of you guys requesting that, haha. You know, the usual.

But honestly, all joking aside, I am excited to finally be considered an adult in this country. And yet, I can't help but get a strengthened sense of commitment to the cause of youth. Like that now that I am leaving this community, I need to not forget what I have gone through, not stop fighting for their voices to be heard.

Eh, or I'm just full of shit! Haha, just kidding. Anyway, hope everyone else is lucky enough to be celebrating their next birthday.

Update

2007-04-05T09:58:00.000-05:00

Alright, so it's been quite a while. And while I haven't been doing any exciting new physical changes, I have been going to some cool events and stuff. So first off, Spectrum (one of DePaul's LGBT... groups) had a trans night of sorts and I spoke along with three other people. It was strictly a Q and A type of thing, so I didn't have to have anything prepared. So that was nice, got a lot of good questions and had a variety of answers on the "panel" so that was good. Then a few weeks after that, there was a LGBT... conference hosted by DePaul and Margaret and I spoke at that. We had stuff prepared for that, but people asked questions also. Both things were pretty cool. It's still kind of weird to talk about my life like it's something important. Or even worth listening to. Everyone seemed interested though, so I guess it is!

The one thing it does make me excited about is my clinic dreams. For those that don't know, I am hoping to one day have a clinic that is a one stop shop of sorts. I want to have four sections, one for therapy, one for law, one for medicine and one for surgery. The therapy part would obviously have therapists that could see patients and write letters or whatever was necessary. The law part would help not only with the legal matters of the clinic, but also help people with name changes and things like that. The medicine part would be a place where people could come and get good healthcare in a warm, accepting environment. Also, this would be where hormones were prescribed, blood tests done, etc. The surgery part would have a team of surgeons that could perform a wide range of surgeries for both FTM and MTF. The final aspect of this clinic is the research aspect. I feel research is a part that is lacking in the trans community, so I would like a place that is dedicated to changing that. Now, all of this sounds great, but here's the catch-- I want it all to be free. Hopefully I will win the lottery or somehow get a rapid influx of millions of dollars to put toward it. It's ambitious-- it's crazy. But if it happened, it would be amazing. It's thinking about this that keeps me a) involved in the community and b) studying chemistry and all this other boring stuff in school. I know that one day I will be able to be a doctor that can make a difference, even if it's not by doing something on this big of a scale. So we'll see, but all of this speaking at events is making me want it more than ever.

Hold On

2006-12-03T22:12:00.000-06:00

This is a place holder for a much longer entry about... being ready, seriousness, romanticism, grass being greener, and not, thinking, but not knowing, and finally... needing to know. Or at least being really good at pretending.

Day by day

2006-11-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

Alright, so now it's pretty much all calmed down.

I basically just remember that I still have stuff to do about every two weeks when I have to do my shot, haha. But other than that, I don't really even think about it anymore. Well I mean, that's a lie. But nowhere near as much as I used to.

Now the only thing I'm really still pondering is what really would happen if Margaret and I weren't together (somebody important forbid) and I was trying to be intimate with someone. Now, of course right now this is in no way an issue. But it is something I think about everytime I see another couple. I guess we'll just put this thought away for the time being and find it again if it ever is needed. Just bringing it up that if my situation were different, this would be my main concern right now.

I am quite happy that it is not. Because I practically hyperventilate everytime I even think about someone finding out. It's not that I mind people knowing, I just need to find the perfect time for each individual person to tell them. It's all very calculated and planned. Yeah, so far, so good. I'm working on everyone else that I talk to, haha. Slowly, day by day.

I know, I know

2006-10-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. My surgery is all over and I'm pretty much all healed up. Still doing shots, of course.

The only news is just that... it's hard. You know? It's just hard. Some days are better than ever. And then others are just like old times. We'll see. I'll keep you updated.

Almost Two Weeks

2006-08-29T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm almost generally healed now. It still looks all gross though because I'm scared to scrub very hard, hehe. But other than the usual random pangs of pain, I'm doing great. I'm sure if you know me, you've seen a picture already, but if not, email me. Or leave a comment here with your email and I'll get it over to you. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Sunday Morning

2006-08-13T11:50:00.000-05:00

Alright, so it's Sunday now. I'm doing much better. I mean, yeah I get tired every once in a while, but mostly I'm doing fine. I think we're gonna go out soon. Which will be nice since I haven't been out in quite a long time. Well since Friday morning. Yeah, so basically it's annoying, but bearable. I feel bad too though because Margaret doesn't feel great either. I wish I could help out more than I can. It's just so hard to move around and stuff. The most annoying part is the dirtiness. Especially cause dirtiness itches. Alright, hope all is well with you.

Approximately 15 hours post-op

2006-08-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

Camdin is sleeping, finally. It's been a long day, but an unbelievably good one.

I'm just going to give a short update, more insights to come later.

We arrived at the surgery center at 6:00am, surgery started at 7:30 on the dot, and we were out the door by noon. Dr. Brownstein said everything went exceptionally well. We think the results will turn out favorable. Camdin has an appointment on Wednesday to have the drains taken out, and on Thursday to have the stitches removed. Then, on Saturday afternoon (hopefully!) we fly home to Chicago. I think he will be much more comfortable once we are finally home.

He's been doing very well, as far as post-op patients go. The nausea comes and goes, but I think it might finally be gone for good now. His body doesn't deal well with pain medications, let alone Percoset. His drainage looks good. He gets tired very easily, but with every day that will get better.

We thank everyone for their best wishes and will keep everyone posted.

In SF

2006-08-10T13:07:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we arrived yesterday. Overall as a city, I think it's alright. I mean, it's no Chicago, but then again, nothing is. The hills are pretty cool since Chicago is so flat, but I'm not completely overwhelmingly impressed with the architecture I've seen. My mom did comment though that this is one of the worse states she's seen San Francisco in.

Anyway, so today I have an appointment at 1 with Dr. Brownstein. Last night, I got... nervous. For the first time in... ever I thought about this actually being me. It was odd. We'll see. Everybody seems to think I'm just gonna bounce right back from this cause I'm so young and sprightly and I hope they're right, but who knows? Meanwhile, we're all just puttering around, not having strict plans and it's nice. I'm in this huge king size bed! It's pretty cool. But I wouldn't like it all the time because Margaret's so far away from me when she's on the other side! Hehe, ok, well I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm here and I'm nervous/excited.

I'll post again about the appointment later. My surgery is at 7:30 am, so don't expect any posts that day, hehe. Alright, hope all is well with everyone!

Steps To A Hormone Shot

2006-07-25T15:21:00.000-05:00

Woohoo! Ok, I wish that before I actually started this someone would have outlined the actual process, so now I will.

Materials needed:

- Testosterone vial
- Syringe with regular needle
- Extra little needles (the ones you stick in you, I use 1 inch 20 gauge)
- Alcohol swabs
- Maybe some gauze/band-aids

Ok, so here goes!

1. You'll either a) have a brand new vial in which case you pop off the top and go to step 2. Or b) have a semi-used vial in which case you alcohol swab the top off.

2. Pull the plunger on your syringe down to your dosage level. Yes, just filled with air. Then insert your syringe into your vial. Push your plunger down. Now pull back on your plunger to fill your syringe. Then remove your syringe from the vial.

3. Once you have the proper amount of medicine, twist off the capped needle and replace it with the other one.

4. Prepare your injection area by wiping with an alcohol swab. (My doctor told me I should always do it in my upper, outer thigh region.)

5. Insert the needle into your body. Pull back on the plunger a little bit. If you see blood, you went in the wrong spot. If not, you're good. Push down on the plunger to put the medicine into your body. (Yes, you have to push really hard.)

6. Pull the needle out. Wipe blood away with gauze if necessary. Also use band-aids if necessary.

So basically that's it. It sounds a lot more complicated and intimidating than it is. *shrug* Oh, and then your leg hurts for a while afterwards.

I've noticed some changes, but nothing ridiculously drastic. I'll keep you posted with some picture if I look like Chewy anytime soon. Hope all is well with everyone around. 15 days until surgery!

Hormones

2006-06-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, June 13th. Dun dun duuunnnn.

Wish me luck.

No T for you!

2006-05-14T10:25:00.000-05:00

Not much trans stuff has been happening lately. For the simple fact that a certain company won't let it happen. Until I am further along in a few processes I won't mention any names because then if what I am expecting to happen doesn't, it would be bad to have said something false. But I'll let you know the details about my hormone therapy struggles once they are completed. Let's just stay, it's been quite a trip. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Surgery Date

2006-04-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

August 11th. :D

Mark your calendars. :D

Phone Call

2006-04-24T22:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, yeah I know I never update here. I'm just so goddamn busy being trans! Haha, kidding, kidding. I am busy, but not usually being trans.

Anywho, I thought I would let everyone know that I did call Dr. Brownstein, the doctor I am hoping to go to for chest surgery, today and I'm trying to work it out so that I can go to him sometime this summer. It was exciting and scary. And thinking in real terms like in a few months my body will be completely different and this won't be all talk is making me a little nervous. I understand now how people felt when they said that like they were closer to their body and stuff right before surgery. It's like thinking about taking real action makes me a little bit scared and that fear makes me say, "Well, but maybe what I've got going on is alright." And even though I know it's not, it's hard sometimes, when I'm thinking about only being able to lay in bed for a week. Not being able to do things for myself. Ahhh!

Heh, today the secretary lady was like "Oh well, you might not be able to lift a heavy bookbag, so you might need help with that." And that scared me. I mean, I have some physical problems now, nothing serious, but just annoying. But I've only not been able to do my own shit once, when I broke my right wrist. And even then I didn't listen to the doctor and took my cast off every chance I got. I don't like being helpless. But I'm hoping that coping with these feelings now with my family and Margaret will help me not have to deal with them then and only focus on recovery. I'm hoping that I can rest really well for a few days and then be miraculously better! Might be wishful thinking, but at this point, I'm open to it. ;)

Alright, hope life is going well for everyone else. I would post more about my struggle acquiring hormones, but I'm worn out on that subject right now. More on that later though. Stay tuned! Haha, alright, good night.

Under the Rug

2006-04-04T00:54:00.000-05:00

A million and one things have been happening lately that have really pushed this whole transition issue to the back burner. However, at the same time, it has made the whole thing much more of a non-issue and just a fact of life.

At one point (when Camdin was bugging me about not posting because I don't love him enough) I had started to write a post about a "hot-topic" among significant others: their changing identity within their partner's changing identity and the changing identity of their relationship. However, to me a least, this is also a non-issue. Because I never identified myself as any particular sexuality or sexual orientation, the changing external perception of my relationship does not affect me in any way, neither negatively nor positively.

The reason why I never posted more elaborately on that topic was because both Camdin and myself are involved in a three to four way move between/among houses/homes. So, we've been helping his parent's move out to their house in Fox Lake, while he's been moving in with me. Then in a month, we'll move up there for a month, then after that the two of us will move to our condo and they'll move to their new house in Geneva. Anyway, the point of all of this is, with all of the craziness that has been going on lately to take everyone's mind off of Camdin's transition, it has seemed like his parent's have been putting extra effort into using male pronouns and calling him "Cam." Granted, they make mistakes, like anyone else, but it's nice to see them trying.

And it's even more nice that they're entrusting me to take care of their amazing son for the rest of our lives together. We think everyone finally sees that we make a good team, no matter how either one of us is addressed/chooses to identify.

Good and Bad

2006-03-09T19:03:00.000-06:00

So, one thing I think I have to stress about this whole thing that I think I either play down or just forget about is the fact that there are good and bad days. There are days that I feel great about being a man and I feel like it's really right. Really what I want to do.

But on the days that I don't feel those things... I'm not very nice. I'm not very personable. I get very insecure. Which causes me to be quite mean and angry all day. I just don't know what to do with myself when I get like that. It feels like I can't do anything, like nothing will ever be able to make me happy again. It feels like I'm the stupidest person on the planet, man or woman.

But then, I stop and think about it and I tell myself that all that's going to change after I complete my change. And I'm hoping that I'm very very right, but the more it keeps happening, the more nervous I get. I'm nervous that nothing will change, that I won't be as happy as I'm imagining, that I might be depressed for completely different reasons and that won't solve anything. I know, this might sound a little... Neurotic? Obnoxious? But I can't help it. I don't understand how to control it. And I don't think that talking about it is what's going to help, which is very unlike me. I just think that this is something that is going to play itself out in time. We'll see. Hopefully Margaret doesn't get too annoyed with it and break up with me.

That being said, the good days are great and I have a fabulous time. I don't know. I think that wanting so many things to be so different is bad for one person. I'm moving, I'm starting college, I'm not going to be living with my parents anymore, I'm transitioning, I'm graduating (well, hopefully, heh). It's just a lot to handle without the whole transitioning aspect, but with that it's too much for me on some days.

I guess the point of this entry is to let people know that you're allowed to be in a bad mood. And it's not a cop-out to blame it on transitioning. At least, I don't think it is. I think that this is a huge life change that would take a lot out of anyone. Just letting people know that ups and downs are completely normal. I hope, hah.

Adding to the List

2006-03-07T01:46:00.000-06:00

I spoke before about reminders. The worst: my period. I was talking to Margaret the other day and realized that this is worth writing about. I hate my period more than anything. It embarrasses me to no end. I don't want to have to do more work in the bathroom than necessary. Going to the bathroom by sitting on the seat is bad enough! But then, to be bleeding on top of that. Ugh.

I told Margaret that I would rather have my breasts and no period than the other way around, if I had to pick. Hopefully, neither will be an option and I will take full advantage of it.

I can't really express how deeply the embarrassment goes surrounding this event, but it's bad. I will be very glad when it stops. That should be sooner rather than later now. Exciting...

I think the waiting is what breaks you. Waiting for your life to change in who knows what type of way, good or bad. Waiting for something so huge. It's hard. I'm also a horribly impatient person. Oh well, heh. I hope it's not this nervewracking for others with a little more patience!

More Emotional

2006-02-28T21:44:00.000-06:00

So lately, I haven't had anything of any importance to say. Or at least, that's what I was telling myself. But then I remembered that this blog is also supposed to chronicle my emotional journey as well. So for fear of sounding whiny and annoying, I will actually talk about how I feel. *gasp*

Wanting so much to be different can be very gruelling. It makes me feel like I don't know what I want even for the little things.

"What do you want for dinner?"

And I don't even know. I literally cannot decide. It's frustrating. And then I don't want that. But how much not wanting can one take before they don't exist anymore? Maybe I'm looking into this too much, but it seems as if I'm going to disappear if I don't put my foot down. I just don't know what I want that foot to look like, hah. It's aggravating to say the least. I want things to be different, but I can't always articulate how I would like things to be. I want change, but I don't want to have to change. Change brings unknown just like I was talking about in the last post. I hate unknown.

A friend of mine wrote me a message telling me that the hardest thing for him was knowing that he wasn't a woman, but not being able to say 100% that he should be a man. It was so comforting to hear this. This was my biggest fear. The only thing that was making me doubt this.

"It could all be wrong," I would tell myself.

Which is true to a certain extent. However, I have done a lot of thinking on this topic lately and I'm getting more sure of myself. I'm able to say to certain people "I am a man" which is much more than I could before. I figure if I don't believe it, how can I expect someone else to, right? And I believe in that to a certain extent. I just hope that this keeps going and I don't break myself again. That's the worst, when I do it to myself. When I try and make myself not believe it.

I go to the doctor for hormones two weeks from today. That's exciting. I don't care how superficial it sounds, but I think hormones will make me much more secure with myself. Or maybe more insecure with my chest. But at least more secure with my voice. And my body hair of any kind. I wish that I could go past the material body and be happy with what's inside myself, but I cannot. I know now, or I'm pretty sure I know, that I will not be happy without these physical actions. So more to come on this once I've gone to the doctor. Until then, we'll just wait and see....

Not Knowing

2006-02-20T12:14:00.000-06:00

One of the things (for me personally) that is the hardest is the not knowing. This goes for every and any aspect of my life. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I wish I could see into the future. That would be cool. It would make every decision that much easier. I could state how I felt with conviction. Whatever....

Reminders

2006-02-13T22:52:00.000-06:00

Sorry for not updating lately. A bunch of personal stuff (kind of unrelated to the transition) has been happening, so I haven't had much time for reflection.

Anyway, it's been a month of therapy! Only two more to go and then hormones start. Woohoo! I think that hormones will help me feel better about this whole thing. I think seeing hair growing on my face or having my voice change will make it more real, more believable. I just don't think I'll be able to call myself "content" or even "happy" until chest surgery. But that's just me personally. My breasts serve as a constant reminder that my body does not match my mind.

I thought that this would be a good time to go through the day in my head and list all the reminders of this discontinuity. Maybe that will help others who feel this understand they aren't alone in their constant recognition of this. And hopefully it will help those who don't quite understand how constant it is.

Ok, annnnnnd go:

- getting in the shower, seeing my body, having to actually touch my body to wash it
- going to the bathroom, sitting down
- getting dressed, putting on a bra
- putting on my messenger bag, the strap pushing hard against my breasts
- avoiding the school bathrooms at all costs, only creates awkwardness
- awkward moments of conversation where something gender specific is brought up
- being on the train (or any public place), feeling... outside of everything
- being afraid of strangers noticing my breasts, noticing femininity
- a man holding the door open for me to the men's room and me awkwardly walking into the women's
- getting ready for bed, having to take off my bra
- feeling my breasts touch me in any way, noticing them

This is just a fraction of the gender challenges I notice everyday. At least, with myself. I guess I just can't really begin to explain the feeling that is reinforced millions of times per day. And not to try and get pity out of anyone, but hard does not even begin to describe dealing with it. If you are in a position to provide support, please do. And if you are in a position to receive support, don't be afraid to ask because you deserve it. I am hoping that hormones will help and that chest surgery will practically fix all of these. We'll have to wait and see...

Group Therapy

2006-01-31T20:39:00.000-06:00

Ok, so tonight went really well.

My parents had to come to therapy with me because I am a minor. I have to admit that even though my parents are pretty great, I was a little apprehensive. But things turned out really well. They both ended up expressing their concerns, which was nice to hear without either side becoming hostile or defensive. And it was good for us all to just sit and talk about some of these issues. We talked about:

- safety (both medically and socially)
- financial commitments
- surgery procedures
- pronouns and name stuff
- their understanding of where I am heading

It was a good thing. A very good thing. It felt better for me to be able to discuss these things knowing that I was in a constructed environment and I had one person on my side. Not that I was expecting any negativity from my parents, but I always get nervous talking to them. Especially about this. I don't know. Anyway, it was all in all a good experience.

I am really happy with my therapist as well. I am definitely very comfortable with him. I feel at ease when talking to him or even to my parents with him there. I don't know. I wasn't expecting much out of this whole therapy thing, but it's become nice to have someone I can just talk to about me. And I would normally feel like that sounds horribly selfish, but I'm paying him. So I don't feel so bad, hehe.

Alright, well, I hope that the experiences of others were as positive as mine, although I'm sure a lot of them aren't. I wish everyone the best of luck with everything surrounding the whole parent issue.

The Job of an SO

2006-01-24T11:06:00.000-06:00

Maybe I’m overly optimistic, or naïve, or wear rose colored glasses, or any of the above clichés, which, for the record – no one has ever, ever used to describe me, but I simply can’t understand why anyone would not be supportive of someone transitioning. Even if you don’t understand it, which, oddly I suppose, came very easily to me, why can’t you support someone you love in doing what they know is best for them? Especially this. Do you think this is some easy decision to make? Do you think anyone would make this decision unless they felt so strongly about it, that they could not live without making these changes? Based on that evaluation alone you should understand that you have no choice but to unconditionally stand beside the one you love for anything they may need.

I sit here at work in tears, my stomach in my throat, and my hands not quite still to think that someone, anyone, could not support a decision made by someone they care for, just because it is not one familiar to them. Never mind my own personal life, but someone living a substantial part of their life assigned the incorrect gender should be met with applause and smiles when they come to terms with that and begin a process to overcome it.

Surgery? Surgery? To physically alter your body under these circumstances is not a physical alteration, so much as a correction, a necessary (to some), life fulfilling procedure which is much more than a “physical alteration.” It’s the least of any transgendered person’s worries, I would think. Yes, it’s dangerous. Yes, it’s invasive – it’s surgery. But isn’t it so much worse to live a life in which you perpetually feel uncomfortable … more than uncomfortable – alien, to yourself? Isn’t it a thousand times harder to wake up everyday, essentially lying to yourself and everyone else? Living every single day for your entire life not wanting it to be your life? I know that I can’t even come close to understanding what that must be like to go through, but I can understand that it is much harder when there are people who are close to you in your life telling you they cannot understand it, they cannot see it, and they don’t support it.

It just makes me so sad that something I see as a decision that is so healthy and beneficial and that takes amazing strength, someone else can see as harmful, destructive, and terrifying. It makes me so sad that it makes me upset to know how upset you will be hearing this, and I’m sorry I can’t do more to protect you from things you have no business dealing with. I only hope that everyone can find one person, just one, who loves them and who will support them and care for them through the entire process, and I hope that then you will keep this person in your life forever so that both of you may enjoy all of the time and effort and love that was put into getting you past the most unhappy times. Because, I promise, that person who supports you can do it for the rest of their lives and more if they truly love you, and they have what you need to get past all of the opposition you may meet.

Out Loud

2006-01-23T21:00:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I think that I'm still getting used to hearing my friends or people I know using "him" or "he" or "Camdin" out loud. It's much different than in print. I'm not sure how long this will take to get used to. And I should really tell my parents about the whole pronoun and name thing. It's hard though, talking to them.

Especially about this subject. I feel as if I should be able to talk about things when I'm ready. I feel as if I should be able to be like "I need you to call me by male pronouns and the name 'Camdin'" and have that be the end of it. Have them say "Ok."

I'd be curious as to how other trans people reacted in this situation. How did you tell your parents to change your name and pronouns? Or better yet, did you tell them? Better still, did they?

It just seems to sting everytime I hear "Caity" or "her" come from their mouths.

Names and Pronouns

2006-01-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

Since there has been a lot going on recently in my life surrounding pronouns, names and all those labels and stuff, I will formally address it.

In my thinking about the whole transitioning process, I didn't put much thought into what I was going to change my name too. I have never liked my own name, so it wasn't important to me (at first) to pick a name that I really felt good about. But then after a conversation with my dad, he made me feel a little bit differently about the whole issue. He pointed out that while I don't see a problem with leaving my name as Caitlyn, other people who will be calling me by male pronouns might. Now, I don't usually see a need to change myself based on others' opinions, but this is slightly different. At least to me.

Anyway! So after all this I set out to look at baby boy's names. My name now is a little bit Scottish and that's not necessarily something that is important to me, seeing as how I've only ever been to Scotland once and I don't really identify much with... Well, anything Scottish. But I digress. The point is I decided to go looking at Scottish names as a starting point to this quest.

After my initial laughter at the fact that 'Macbeth' and 'Macduff' were on this list of baby names, I thought seriously about what sounded right when I said it outloud. Which ones did I like because I liked the name or which ones did I like because I thought I could claim that name as my own or myself? It was all very confusing because most people don't pick their own names. (That's what parents are for right, haha?) But I came across one that I really liked: Camdin.

Now, when I semi-decided on this, everyone said they liked it and it fit. And I think it does too, so that's a good thing. But then, talking to some of my other friend's who has transitioned, some of them expressed that picking a name was really hard for them. Their advice was pretty much "Hold off on that until you're sure." I'm not sure if I have any advice on this tpoic as of right now, but I don't mind people calling me Camdin. I actually like it. Since I hate 'Caitlyn', I'm just happy to have people calling me something else.

So the whole point of this long post is: I have no advice for people pre-name change, but I can say that I like my choice so far.

Then as far as pronouns go, I love most male pronouns. Well wait, I mean, for the most part, I love it when people call me by male pronouns. I would have to say that the only part of it I don't like is when I realize it's only by mistake and then I get a little bit depressed because I don't want it to be a mistake. I don't want to feel like I should correct people. I want "Excuse me sir." to be the correct and proper way to address me.

Many people have different feelings about the pronoun issue, so the only advice I can give anyone who is dealing with either transitioning themselves or someone who is transitioning is talk to people about it. If you don't tell people and just assume, you'll probably end up with angry friends. And if you don't ask and just assume, you'll probably offend people. Also, extra sensitivity to this topic is usually recommended because of everyone's drastic differences in personal preferences and ways of expressing themselves.

So, that's name changing and pronouns addressed in a nutshell. For now at least. I'm sure I will have much more to say about this later when it becomes more pressing.

From the Beginning

2006-01-18T11:05:00.000-06:00

It was near my birthday (August) and we were laying in bed, in the dark, and Camdin was acting very strange. I hate to out you like this sweetheart, but Camdin is a very big...

Cuddler.

And he wouldn't even touch me; he kept trying to roll over close to the wall. I instinctively knew what was coming. I held him tightly to me and he cried and cried and pulled away from me.

"I'm scared." That was all he said, and cried some more.

When Camdin told me that he felt like a he - it sounded about as redundant as that very statement. He was a he. Of course. If only that is where the complications ended. What I am saying is, that revelation did not come as a great shock to me. So that made it very easy to be supportive and to move forward more quickly than if I had to get over the initial step of seeing him as a man.

At this point, Camdin and I had been together for about 9 months. At about 9 days I knew I was going to marry him.

It seemed like for two weeks, it was all we talked about. But at the same time, he wouldn't talk to me about anything at all - never how he felt, just about what he thought he wanted or didn't want. Neither of us really knew any specifics on the process, me much less than him. He told me he had been looking at pictures of chest surgeries on transster, so we looked at them together. We didn't look at any bottom surgeries - at this point he was not interested in either that or taking hormones.

Looking back, for the first few weeks I was pretty desensitized to everything. Honestly, part of me believed that he would go as far as he wanted to with this, but I just knew it would never come to surgery or hormones. I clung to that for a long time, actually. It wasn't until our one year anniversary that I can actually say that I supported Camdin with my entire heart and soul.

Months before that we sat down with his mother and told her together that Camdin was thinking about chest surgery, but that he did not (yet) want to take any further steps toward transitioning. No one other than she and I knew. I think this helped me rationalize my fears. I was so busy trying to be supportive of Camdin, and considering all of the things that he might be afraid of, or that he might need or want that I was really just covering myself so that when Camdin finally decided he didn't want to go through with any of this, he could never think that I didn't love him or support him and want the best for him.

I put a lot of time, thought, and consideration when I was away at school into research on surgery, hormones, legal issues, and stories of men who had gone through the same things as Camdin would. The more I learned, and even the harder I realized this was going to be - the more I realized that this really was the best thing for him.

Camdin came down to Champaign (I was attending the University of Illinois) for our anniversary (November); we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend just to enjoy the pleasure of each other's company in private. Our conversations now seemed to always find their way back to this topic, and tonight was no different. The only thing was, this night I fell in love with my man for the thousandth time, and this night I finally realized that he was my man - with one word: Dad. He didn't care about being a son, a brother, an uncle, a boyfriend, or even a husband - he just wanted to be a dad. And I wanted to make him one.

In that instant I knew I could be a Mom to his Dad, a wife to his husband, a girlfriend to his boyfriend and I knew that that was what I wanted to be for the rest of my life with him.

His starting therapy has been exciting for me, and I hope for him too, because we can finally move forward on everything that we have only been able to talk about and overthink for the past six months. Since the day we got together I have told Camdin that I only want for him to be happy, and healthy, and safe.

We're getting there.

Therapy 102

2006-01-17T20:47:00.000-06:00

So tonight was another good session. It focused mainly on the younger parts of my life, which for me are a little bit... Maybe not hard, but some word I can't think of right now that is similar. I just don't like it. And things always sound worse when you say them out loud as opposed to just thinking about them in your head.

Anyway, as far as some factual things I learned:

- If you are a minor, a therapist can see you five time before needing parental consent.

- A slight change to an earlier "fact": For hormones and chest surgery, you only need three months of therapy with one therapist. You need two letters and six months surgery if you want anything more.

Yeah, sorry about that correction. My therapist did some more extensive research. The only other thing I can think of is that if you are cynical about the whole therapy thing, at least give it a shot. I don't think that it is for everyone, but I do think that two heads are better than one. I'll take all the input, advice, stories, wise words-- I'll take anything I can get basically. And not only because this is my own attitude, but personally I think it's a good one to have.

Awkward Moments

2006-01-14T23:57:00.000-06:00

Tonight my dad had a party for all of his stage combat buddies. I'm not a huge fan of parties, but I don't mind when my parents friends come over. They're nice. They make interesting conversation. You know, all the fun things that happen at parties. But the other thing involved now is that introductions have become pretty awkward for me.

"This is Caitlyn, my daughter."

No, this isn't. I don't know; it's hard I know. It's hard for them to deal with. And I guess it reflects badly on them to have some sort of complicated child. I know it's easier to say your daughter. But that's not what I am anymore. They don't understand that. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should do more to make them understand, but that's hard for me as well. Whatever, I guess it won't change until I physically do. Mental changes aren't very respected. I am a man to me. I am a woman to everyone else.

Introductions are just hard right now. Hopefully they'll get easier. Soon.

How and Why

2006-01-11T21:13:00.000-06:00

So today (because of therapy yesterday) I was thinking a lot about both how and why I feel this way. And you know, it's very hard to say. Just feeling something or just knowing something sounds so cliche and bogus, but I think that's really my only answer. When people mistake me for a man and call me sir, I like it. It feels right. And I want it to be right and I want for it to not be a mistake. It's hard though, explaining that to someone else. Or at least, justifying that reasoning to someone else because most of the time then they'll be like "But why?" and you're like "I don't know!" Or at least I am.

But also I've been trying to figure out what I mean when I say "I want to be a man." I've been trying to figure out what that means to me. Am I just feeling like I have to change my body to fit with the way that I feel because of society? Am I just conforming to these stereotypical roles of male and female? I don't think so. But then from that, here is a question I feel myself asking people post-transition:

How could you possibly know that this was the best thing, 100%, and that this was totally right for you?

Input, please.

Therapy 101

2006-01-10T20:11:00.000-06:00

Ok so today I had my first meeting with a therapist. It was overall a good experience. I would feel much more comfortable discussing my experience on an impersonal level, as far as not divulging the person's name and information just because I wouldn't want any misinterpretations of this information. But anyway, I felt as comfortable as you can be talking about stuff you aren't so comfortable with. It's just a little odd speaking with someone so strange to you about things so... Not strange. So personal. But I enjoyed my time there and felt like I could continue with this particular therapist, so I will. More to come on this topic later when I have actually been to more than one session.

The important things I learned tonight would be...

- 3 months with one therapist and you can start hormones, 6 months (total) with a therapist and then you get a second letter of recommendation (sort of) from another therapist and then you can start surgery.

- Even though this might seem petty or obvious, talking is always good. Even just those 50 or so minutes I spent talking with the therapist made me feel more... Soothed? Pleasant? Relaxed? I don't know, but some emotion that was better than the one I walked in with. Talking is good. That is, when you want it and are comfortable with it.

Keep in mind that any information I post on here that isn't personal is always subject to change and if there are discrepancies with anything, I would love corrections in the form of comments. Thank you.

What it's about.

2006-01-09T21:35:00.000-06:00

Now, let me preface this silly introduction with one statement: I hate themed blogs. With this said, one may wonder, why am I making one? Well since currently this is the only (inexpensive) way to chronicle one's journey through anything in a mass reach fashion, I will conform to that and give in to the pressure that is themed blogging.

Ok, ok, now onto the real introduction. This blog is basically going to follow me, Caitlyn Gray, through all of the trials and tribulations of transitioning from female to male. I hope that this blog will be useful to some who, like me, just want to read about how a person actually accomplishes all of these daunting, yet necessary tasks from changing your name to getting surgery. That is, if that's what you're looking for. I want this to be a resource, not in the sense that I am so wise and should be looked up to, but in the sense that people should be able to come here and not only learn more about this topic, but also ask questions or provide their own information and experiences. Maybe this can be a sort of meeting place for people post-transition, pre-transition, non-transitional and everything in between. Or maybe it will flop like lots of other blogs! Haha, we'll see...

trans·pose: v. trans·posed, trans·pos·ing, trans·pos·es

Next Steps

Public Health

Update

Looking Back to Go Forward

More than just "born in the wrong body"

Night Life

*tear*

Big News

Update

Hold On

Day by day

I know, I know

Almost Two Weeks

Sunday Morning

Approximately 15 hours post-op

In SF

Steps To A Hormone Shot

Hormones

No T for you!

Surgery Date

Phone Call

Under the Rug

Good and Bad

Adding to the List

More Emotional

Not Knowing

Reminders

Group Therapy

The Job of an SO

Out Loud

Names and Pronouns

From the Beginning

Therapy 102

Awkward Moments

How and Why

Therapy 101

What it's about.

tear